How I Accepted Hearing my Depression Diagnosis

The last couple of weeks have been quite a ride.

This time, I have to say, it has not been fun. If i am being honest, it's been more like the last year, not just the last 2 weeks. Has anyone else not felt like their usual selves the last 11-12 months?

I went to the dentist a few weeks ago. When I sat down for a routine cleaning, the hygienist took my blood pressure. It was so high that she told me she would have to consult the dentist before cleaning my teeth! I honestly thought that I felt ok. So the dentist came in and asked how I was doing. I felt tears come to my eyes. I tell her, “Well, I have been under some stress lately.

Work has not been smooth. Living with teenagers can be difficult. I yet again am trying to go on a diet. And then there's the whole covid thing. I haven’t seen friends in a very long time. So yes, you could say I'm under some stress.”

I fought back the tears as they told me I am not at the point where they don't need to call the squad.

They cleaned my teeth and I promised to make an appointment with my doctor asap.

I love my dentist. I have never loved a dentist! SHE is amazing. I felt so lucky to have found this practice because I am finally taking care of my teeth after many years of not taking care of them. The office is so low stress that even the chair is a massage chair. Like at the spa getting a pedicure. But the massage wasn't doing the trick this time. I kept  thinking to myself, oh boy, how much have I been ignoring about my body lately to the point that I don't recognize or have been ignoring many symptoms like headaches, tension, easily getting out of breath, and feeling my heart race. I have just been blaming it on the fact that I need to lose weight.

Everybody is under stress, so what makes me so special to think that I shouldn’t be?

I came home immediately wanting to dig into a bag of doritos to help with my stress! How ridiculous is that? Probably not helping the blood pressure situation.

I called the doctor and got an appointment for the following Monday. I told Warren about what happened at the dentist. It hurt to see that now I have made him worry about me. As much as I want special attention at certain times, I don't want to cause any of my loved ones any extra unnecessary stress. Which as I am saying it now, it just shows how much I tend to internalize everything and assume I can take care of it all on my own. Boy, am I wrong on that account.

After worrying about the fact that I have had a slight dull headache for a week and a half, I tried to take it easy over the weekend while waiting for my Monday morning appointment. 

Of course it is the snowiest winter we have had in Pennsylvania in a long time… we are expecting another storm on Monday. I woke up and it wasn't snowing yet. I decide to head to the doctor because I don't want to worry about this any longer. I haven't been to the doctor in 4 years. They consider me a new patient. I am 47 years old and have always felt that aside from being overweight my entire life, I was in pretty good health. I have been cancer free for 15 years. I feel that is now all behind me. The entire quarantine, I haven't even had a cold. So off to the doctor I go. 

For me, usually the worst part of going to the doctor is getting on the scale.

But because I did go on a little diet for a month, January lost 10 lbs. I hate diets. Who doesn't? I was so tired. I had no energy. I could not handle living on 1200 calories. The best shape I have ever been in is when I am exercising regularly and 1200 calories did not give me the energy to do any extra work outs. 

Anyway, I got on the scale the day before and was happy to see that I hadn't gained back any of the 10 lbs in the 2 weeks I was not dieting. Getting on the scale wasn’t a big shocker at the doctor’s office this time. At least that was a relief.

The nurse takes me back into the exam room. After taking my blood pressure she notes that it is still high. She started to ask me to fill out a questionnaire concerning my mental health. Now, with everyone dealing with the pandemic in different ways, the doctors are checking our mental health.

The first few questions I responded “ya, that's me sometimes”. And then there was a question that put me over the edge. “How often do you feel like you are letting yourself and your family down?” I answered EVERYDAY and lost it! The ugly cry, tears running down my face, snot coming out of my nose. It was bad people. And I was too tired to care to be embarrassed by it. 

The nurse stood across the room handing me tissues. She told me she wished she could give me a hug but she's not allowed to because of covid.

The good news is, the last question was “Have I ever considered suicide or thoughts of dying” and that answer was a solid no. I never thought I would have to answer a question like that. 

When the doctor came in, she didn't even want to talk about my blood pressure. She was more concerned about my mental health. She told me that my scores make me considered clinically depressed. I was in shock. I couldn't believe that someone would tell me that I am depressed!

I am not going to lie. I have been in funks. They pass. 

I thought to myself, how could she say that I am depressed?

I am an upbeat, positive, loving woman. I don't have mental health issues.

It was really hard to hear. I was in complete denial and angry that someone would put that label on me. I was better than that. Heck my website is called “Loving Life”. What a fraud.

What am I doing here?

I am just trying to get by.

I am starting my own business. Working full time. Taking care of the house and family. Everything inside of me says “I've got this.” I guess there's always that little voice that says “oh no you don’t.” 

What should I do? Maybe go back to what has always worked for me. Practice what I preach. Actually follow my Secrets to Less Stress? I am ashamed to say, I was in so deep at that point that I probably would have screamed if anyone suggested such a thing.

Is This Hope in a Pill?

“Could it be menopause? Am I at that point? I am 47 years old. My periods are still normal.” I broke down again. My doctor actually suggested that I go on a low dose antidepressant. Oh boy did that set off alarms in my head. Not me, not Angie Bucy. She doesn't need antidepressants. She's got this. 

I don't need that kind of help. I just need to go to the beach!

I refused that plan of action. Even though the doctor thought, if we could get my mental health back to normal, that everything else would fall into place. It was like she wanted to give me some hope in a pill. I don't know. 

I went into immediate fear. 

Who am I if I am this woman who needs to go on antidepressants. It threw me off. I refused. I just had a hard time believing that was the path that I needed to go. 

I convinced the doctor to listen to my physical symptoms that I thought were associated with what I now know to be high blood pressure. 

I take the same walk everyday. Instead of getting more fit. I am getting less fit. I have lived in the same house for 5 years. Going up the same set of stairs that I have done countless times, I am out of breath and my heart is beating in my throat when I get to the top. Like I've said, I have always been a little bit fat but this is getting out of hand. Especially when I can feel my heartbeat in my head. For a long time I have been telling myself that I am just fat and I need to work harder, eat less, move more, I don't know how much less I can eat. When I told her about that, and the headaches and the heart pounding in my head, she stopped and said well, let's do the blood pressure medication because I don't want you to have a heart attack while we are working on your mental health.

Her prescription was, you are 47, you need a monogram, bloodwork and a full physical. Here's your script for blood pressure meds and for mental health, PLEASE call a friend.

Make some plans. See your friends. Everyone is in this situation together. Force yourself to go out and do something. Even if a piece of you says what's the point, I'm too tired. I don't feel like it. I hate wearing a mask. I don't want my friends to see me this way. I'm supposed to be the fun one. I'm the positive one that people come to when they need lifting up. 

Now I need some support and I don't know how that's going to go. The doctor actually assured me that my friends are feeling the same way. We all need to get out and see each other. We all have been cooped up and covered in masks. Nobody has seen each other smile for a long time. We need to get together, share, have community, talk. See something other than the 4 walls of our house!

I came home. I told Warren, and I cried and I cried. He was so amazing, assuring me that he is with me through this. And he wanted to help me figure out what the issue was. I could tell that he was scared of seeing me not happy, just like I was scared of not being happy. 

Call A Friend

I forced myself to reach out to a couple of my friends. Women that will always be my friends. I am very blessed to have a few amazing women in my life. Those friends that even if we do not see or talk to each other in a very long time, we know that we can pick up the phone and we will be there for each other no matter what. Our relationship will be exactly the same as it was 2 days ago, 2 months ago or 2 years ago. It doesn't matter.They are amazing women. That's who I reached out to. I said, I need to see you. We need to go out and we need to pick a day right now. We need to not say ya we should go out sometime. We need to actually pick a day and make a plan. What day this week can you have dinner, or breakfast or lunch or a drink or a walk or whatever. What day this week. Not just some time. 

I needed it. Not because I needed a cheeseburger, but because I needed a friend. Wow, it feels good to acknowledge one of my needs. Somebody to share with, we are going through the same crap with. And it was wonderful. We broke the rules and gave each other a hug. It was the best!

We talked for hours. Instead of saying we need to do this more often. We got on our phones and made plans for the next time that we are having dinner together. Girls night out is just as important as going to work, making dinner, being there for your family. Going through the motions. Being the responsible adult. Making it all happen. Doing everything for everyone. Girls night out is just as important as all of that. No matter what your age. Or your situation in life.

We are not meant to be alone. And there are some things that our partner, lover, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, significant other, that person just can't fulfill. That is why we have friends. Community is amazing. Friends are there to help listen, have fun with laughter, cry, commiserate and celebrate. That's what we are here for. I pray that you have one of those friends, if not 25 of them :)

So that's how I handled my depression diagnosis.

Now I am sharing it with you which is a huge step for me. Because I am a recovering perfectionist! I am working very hard at letting go of being the perfect version of myself. Because the striving to be that perfect whatever is going to end up killing me.

So screw perfection. Let go of it. Just so you know, I'm talking to myself just as much as I am talking to you. If you're depressed, acknowledge it. Look for help. If medication is right for you, go for it. If medication is not right for you, find what is. There's not one ingredient that fixes everything. That's why you need so many things in life. Friends are here for that. Community, family loved ones, even our virtual community! The new friends that you haven't met yet. Praying that one day very soon we can all take our masks off so that we can see each other smiling again. Or we will figure out how to read each other's eyes. See the smiles. See the people out there that care. 

I wanted to give my doctor a hug. I asked her if she wanted to hear something funny. I am starting a business to teach women how to deal with their stress better. She laughed and said, that's what happens. And then she said thank you for taking on the calling to share. I hope I help at least one other woman realize that she is not alone and her feelings are ok. And it is ok to ask for help. That is why I have decided to take the vulnerable step and share with you what I went through when the doctor told me I was depressed. I am just being real. We will work through this together. I am starting to feel better already. I would love to hear how you are handling everything that is going on these days.

Love & Blessings to you all!